– There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
– Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
– The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
– A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
– Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
– Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
– Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
– Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
– Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
– If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
– When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
– Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.